Petty Cash
I’m petty. You’re petty. Now let’s raise some cash to do petty shit.
A community-funded war chest for billboards, SEPTA ads, troll campaigns, Dallas game-week digital chaos, and other highly caffeinated acts of Philly sports comedy.
What Petty Cash Is
Petty Cash is not a normal fundraiser. Normal fundraisers have clipboards, polite emails, and room-temperature potato salad.
This is a Philly sports bar disguised as a fake political campaign disguised as a coffee company with a grudge.
Every subscription helps fund billboard campaigns, SEPTA ads, digital rivalry stunts, fake political propaganda, and whatever sleep-deprived idea the community votes into existence next.
Choose Your Level of Financial Pettiness
Pick your level. Fund the nonsense. Help Philly become a municipal-level problem.
Lincoln Level
For the everyday petty patriot. The price of one fancy coffee per month to help fund industrial-grade nonsense.
- Community voting access
- Supporter-only polls
- Early campaign previews
- The satisfaction of being part of the problem
Franklin Level
For fans who do not just talk trash. They fund infrastructure.
- Priority voting power
- Behind-the-scenes concept previews
- Wall of Petty recognition
- Direct input on future stunt ideas
- Certified Petty Professional status
Washington Level
A full-year commitment to pissing off Cowboys fans for roughly one dollar a day.
- Annual supporter badge
- Founding supporter recognition
- Premium voting weight
- Yearly “State of the Petty” update
- Patriotic levels of unnecessary behavior
Committed Campaign ideas
THE PHILLY Initiative
Gotta protect the home turf. Stay tuned to see Dallas Sucks plasted over SEPTA trains city-wide and a possible station takeover for Dallas Sucks week in Philly
Dallas Game-Week Digital Takeover
A high-impact digital campaign inside Dallas during Eagles @ Cowboys Thanksgiving week. Digital placements. Game-week chaos. Performance art with WiFi.
Upcoming Campaign Ideas
LED DRONE SHOW
It's not bad enough that we want the billboards in Dallas to tell them how we really feel.. Let's light up the night with a 500 drone show to really drive the message home.
Banner planes
BLIMPS
The FAA wont allow a drone show over AT&T stadium during the game.. So we gotta level up our game..
Dallas SUCKS BUS
A used bus dedicated to one thing, and one thing only. We follow the Cowboys around all season letting them know they suck.
More Petty Pending
Billboards, fake endorsements, rivalry PSAs, and other questionable civic improvements currently aging in the petty barrel.
Community Voting
This is not a corporate marketing committee sitting in a glass office eating stale bagels.
The people decide.
Petty Cash supporters help vote on billboard concepts, ad slogans, digital campaigns, fake political posters, SEPTA ideas, and whatever other sleep-deprived nonsense crawls out of the group chat.
Why We’re Doing This
Because sports are supposed to be fun.
Because Philly communicates through humor, chaos, sarcasm, volume, and emotionally charged hand gestures.
Because every Eagles fan has looked at a Cowboys hype video and thought:
Petty Cash gives the community a voice, gives the internet something to laugh at, and gives “No One Likes Us, We Don’t Care” a functioning media budget.
Legal-ish Disclaimer
Dallas Sucks Coffee Company does not encourage harassment, threats, vandalism, fighting, or acting like a jabroni in public.
Everything here is satire, parody, sports rivalry humor, and community entertainment.
No official team affiliations. No official league partnerships. No official approval from literally anyone responsible.
Just coffee. Comedy. Community. And emotionally advanced levels of pettiness.
Join Petty Cash
No one likes us. We don’t care.
But with enough subscribers, they’ll definitely notice us.
Become a Petty Professional