DALLAS, TX — In a move being described as “equal parts nostalgia, desperation, and buffering,” the city of Dallas has reportedly announced that all high-speed internet will be banned beginning September 1st.
Residents will instead be required to use 56k dial-up connections until morale improves, the modem stops screaming, or the Cowboys remember how January works.
City officials say the decision was inspired by Cowboys fans’ long-standing belief that repeating old routines from the 1990s might somehow bring back past success.
“Look, when things stop working, sometimes you gotta go back to what did work,” said one city spokesperson while attempting to load a sports website on a beige desktop computer. “The Cowboys won Super Bowls during the dial-up era. Coincidence? We’re not willing to risk it.”
The new initiative, officially titled the Digital Heritage Preservation Act, would require Dallas households to disconnect fiber, cable, satellite, and cellular broadband services. Approved replacements include AOL installation CDs, Netscape Navigator, and computer monitors heavy enough to qualify as gym equipment.
56K or Nothing
Under the proposal, residents can expect web pages to load one image stripe at a time, incoming phone calls to disconnect the internet, and every Eagles meme to take approximately 17 minutes to download.
Supporters say the inconvenience is worth it if it helps restore “the old magic,” which experts describe as the same logic as putting on unwashed lucky underwear and calling it a strategy.
“If Troy Aikman could win with dial-up, then so can we,” said lifelong Cowboys fan Randy Cooper while dusting off a 1995 Starter jacket. “People laughed when I refused to wash my playoff socks. Well, who’s laughing now? Probably Eagles fans. But still.”
Tech Experts Confused, Modems Thrilled
Technology experts have expressed concern over the city’s plan, calling it one of the most baffling infrastructure decisions since someone decided AT&T Stadium needed windows.
“You cannot reverse-engineer athletic success through outdated telecommunications,” said one IT consultant before his statement was cut off by a busy signal.
Local electronics stores have reportedly seen a sudden spike in demand for external modems, floppy disks, transparent landline phones, and those giant binders everyone’s dad used to store computer CDs in.
A City Dials It Back
Businesses across Dallas are already preparing for the change. Restaurants plan to replace QR-code menus with fax machines, office workers are being trained to yell “GET OFF THE PHONE,” and local influencers are reportedly panicking after learning that livestreaming will now be limited to three pixels and vibes.
Still, city leaders remain optimistic.
“This isn’t about internet speed,” said one emotional Cowboys fan while listening to the Windows 95 startup sound on repeat. “This is about tradition. This is about the old ways. This is about pretending the last 30 years didn’t happen.”
At press time, Dallas officials were reportedly considering bringing back pagers, Blockbuster memberships, and a citywide ban on anything invented after their last Super Bowl win.
Dallas still sucks.