DALLAS, TX — A proposed resolution to rename the City of Dallas to an emoji failed to advance Thursday night after city council members spent nine hours arguing over which tiny digital face best represented the city’s ongoing relationship with Cowboys disappointment.
The resolution, introduced under the Modern Civic Rebranding Initiative, was intended to “create necessary emotional distance between the city and the football team currently stored in Arlington for liability reasons.”
Instead, the meeting collapsed into what one witness described as “a government-funded group chat with microphones.”
One City. Zero Clarity.
According to city officials, the proposed name change was designed to help Dallas move forward from decades of being associated with playoff sadness, August delusion, and men in jerseys explaining salary cap math at birthday parties.
“The word Dallas has become emotionally overloaded,” said one council member while standing beside a presentation titled Vibes Matter. “When people hear it, they immediately think of traffic, false confidence, and someone yelling ‘this is our year’ into a queso bowl.”
The council reportedly narrowed the replacement options to several finalists, including 🤡, 🗑️, 💔, 🥶, 📉, 🫠, and 🤠.
The cowboy emoji was quickly rejected after multiple council members agreed it was “too yeehaw-adjacent” and “legally too close to the problem.”
The Emoji Debate Turns Ugly
Supporters of the clown emoji argued it offered “brand honesty,” while opponents claimed it gave the city “too much dignity.”
The trash can emoji gained early momentum before being criticized as “redundant.”
One council member pushed hard for the melting face emoji, calling it “the official expression of a fan base realizing it has to watch another divisional round without emotional closure.”
The debate reached its lowest point shortly after midnight, when the city’s voting software crashed after someone submitted 🍆 as a write-in candidate.
Officials later confirmed at least eleven votes were also cast for 🦅, which investigators believe may have originated from “hostile actors somewhere near Philadelphia.”
iWONT Enters the Chat
The controversy drew public comment from Intelligent Wives Of North Texas, better known as iWONT, a local advocacy group formed by spouses seeking “emotional accountability from football-based household disasters.”
“We’re not against football,” said iWONT spokesperson Denise Parker. “We’re against delusion.”
Parker said the organization supports any effort to separate Dallas from Cowboys-related emotional flooding.
“Our husbands disappear into the garage to cry every January and it’s getting ridiculous,” Parker said. “I personally had to install two floor drains and a flood barrier on the kitchen door.”
While iWONT declined to comment on rumors that the group may soon propose forcing the Cowboys to officially rebrand as the Arlington Cowboys, Arlington officials have reportedly begun “monitoring the situation closely.”
Resolution Fails, Sadness Continues
After nine hours of debate, three emergency snack breaks, and one council member allegedly whispering “maybe Houston had the right idea,” the resolution failed to advance.
Mayor’s office representatives said the city remains committed to “exploring bold rebranding opportunities that do not involve admitting the Eagles have been right this whole time.”
At press time, the city had reverted to its temporary internal name: Dallas*.
The asterisk reportedly stands for “terms and conditions apply during football season.”